


Accidental Slip

by cadkitten



Category: Dir en grey, the GazettE
Genre: Angst, Fluff, M/M, Self-Harm
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2008-06-08
Updated: 2008-06-08
Packaged: 2017-11-14 03:33:04
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,595
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/510878
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/cadkitten/pseuds/cadkitten
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Reita confesses something to Die and Die isn't prepared for it. In the end, the result isn't what either of them expected.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Accidental Slip

**Author's Note:**

> Written for 50stories 037: Sad  
> Song: "Kyuumin - Oyasumi" by UnsraW

Is this where I break? Standing alone in the rain, my hands hanging limp by my sides. The rain hides my tears and for that I'm grateful. I can't hold in what I feel anymore and I know that what I just did was a huge mistake.

_I'm... in love with you._

Such simple words with such a heavy weight of meaning behind them. Words I never should have spoken. A mistake I can't possibly take back. The look on his face, the confusion and horror written clearly in his beautiful brown eyes.

I had no right to say what I did. I had no reason to have to say it, especially not right in front of Kyo and Kaoru.

I turn away from the building I've been standing beside and slowly start to walk away.

The truth is, I freaked out when he didn't say anything in return. I fled the instant I saw what I did in his eyes. I know I can't take his outright rejection. And I've always told myself that I'd just keep my feelings all tied up inside and never let them free. Something tonight just loosened my tongue and I spilled it all in those few words.

What I don't understand is how knowing the look on Kyo's face was or the fact that Kaoru just smiled at the floor. Why wouldn't they equally freak out? The man they'd been hanging out with for years suddenly confesses his love to their fellow band mate and their only reactions aren't ones of shock or hatred? I always knew Kaoru was understanding, but Kyo? Kyo openly said once that he hated gay people... how could he just be okay with me?

I bow my head against the fresh downpour and slowly trudge through the soaked streets. I'm aimless... because I'm pointless. I have no reason to further exist inside. Outwardly, I have everything to live for, but inside I'm nothing. Inside... I'm broken in pieces.

My phone vibrates once in my pocket indicating I have a text message and I slowly pull it out as I continue my journey to nowhere. The message displays that it's from Kaoru's number.

_Where are you?_

I stare at it for a moment and then respond with all I really know.

_Somewhere, nowhere... anywhere but there._

It takes a minute, but my phone vibrates in my palm again and I can't help but look.

_You should be here. Die doesn't know what to do and he's really worried about you. None of us have ever seen you look so... scared. I get it that you didn't mean to let out what you did, but it's out there now and you have to deal with it._

_I don't have to deal with anything I don't want to, especially not with this. I don't want to have to sit around with Die staring at me like I've grown a spare head. He didn't want to hear what I said and I can hardly blame him. After all, who wants to know their long time friend is a total fag?_

Tears well in my eyes again and I just let them fall as I move on down the street. I can't even bring myself to look at my phone as it vibrates three more times in a row. When the fourth message comes in, I force myself to look to at least tell Kaoru to stop bothering me. I ignore the most recent message in favor of reading his first response.

_Rei, it's not like that. You just caught him off guard, that's all. He... shit, Rei, I know he cares about you more than enough to not let this be the downfall of you guys. Why can't you just come back and talk with him?_

I want to laugh and cry at the same time. I wouldn't want to put myself through the sheer torture of going back to that. I dismiss the message and go to the next.

_Please... he's so upset that you left like that. He's about ready to go off looking for you._

I shake my head and move the next one.

_Fuck, Rei. Stop ignoring me! He's leaving now... and you know him, he'll be out there until he finds you. Please, tell us where you are!_

I start to flip my phone closed, but then I remember the last message and I open it. It's from Kyo this time.

_I'm following Die. He left his phone and everything at his apartment because he was in such a hurry. If you want to talk to him, just call me. I'll catch up to him and hand you off. If you don't, then just know that I'll seriously beat your ass next time I see you for not sticking around long enough to even let Die say his piece on this! You assume rejection, but how can you possibly know?!_

I stop dead in my tracks. Die's seriously that worried? Or maybe he's that upset with me. I know I have to answer Kyo or else he'll hunt me down and strangle me.

_You don't understand how it is between me and him. We're friends. Nothing more. I saw the look in his eyes when I said what I did. He was horrified that I'd say such a thing. He had the same look he would have if I'd just kneed him in the balls. Betrayal. If anything, he's coming after me to kick my ass for even thinking such a thing._

The reply is almost immediate and I wonder how the hell he types so fast.

_You're a fucking moron. If he hated you for saying that, then he'd have been screaming about it, not staring at you like a fucking deer caught in headlights. He was shocked, not horrified. Fuck, Rei... he wouldn't be in the damn rain looking for you if he didn't care._

For some reason that only brings more tears. I feel like such a girl. Then again, that should be fitting, since I always imagine myself as the bottom with Die. Maybe I am a damn girl.

_Why aren't you mad at me? You're the one who hates gay people. You should be kicking some sense into Die and encouraging him to come kick my sorry butt._

_What?! Where the hell did you get that idea from?!_

_You said it yourself in an interview years ago._

I'm about to shove the phone in my pocket when it vibrates again. Only anger makes me flip it back open and read what Kyo has to say.

_Shit... maybe I did mean it back then. But I was young and brain dead. The me that you know today is a whole separate person, Rei. I'd never look down on someone for how they feel about another or what their sexual orientation is. I have no excuse for what I did back then, but just know that I've changed... a lot has changed. I'm sorry for the past and I'd change it if I could, but I can't._

I sigh and dismiss the message. I continue on my way to wherever my feet are carrying me. I wish I knew where that was. I wish I hadn't opened my mouth tonight. I wish... I wish I was in Die's arms and that he loved me the same way I love him. I wish I wasn't wishing stupid things.

Almost twenty minutes pass and I ignore all the times that my phone vibrates. I only snap out of whatever haze I've stuck myself in when my phone begins to ring. The ringtone belongs to Die.

But Kyo has Die's phone. I flip my cell open and put it to my ear. "What do you want, Kyo?"

The line is silent for a minute and then Die's voice crackles over the line. "Why would Kyo be using my phone?"

I swallow hard. "... He had it."

"I know, but he'd use his own to call, not mine."

I'm silent for long enough that Die just plunges on into whatever he was calling for.

"Listen... I know I didn't respond in the most ideal of ways, but I seriously want to talk about this with you. I'm not mad or upset, no matter what you think. I just want to know where you're at so we can talk. Please."

I stop at the street corner and tilt my head up to look at the signs. "20th and Ecoma." I snap the phone shut and move to lean back against the nearest building. Still the rain pelts me, but I don't even feel it anymore. I'm numb from the cold, but even that doesn't matter. Nothing matters.

I close my eyes and let my tears take me away, just as the wind carries my breath from my lips. Maybe everything is this fleeting, this lacking. I feel almost empty standing here, waiting on something I know to be an end rather than the continuation I hoped it would be.

I push my phone into my now soaking wet jeans and place my palms flat against the wall. I push hard as I drag them down the abrasive surface. I can feel it tearing at me and I know I'll be bleeding soon. At least that shows me something, pushes me closer to being more than nothing.

A soft sob escapes my lips and my legs give out. I'm falling... falling so far, so fast... just like I did for him. And then I'm not falling anymore. Strong arms surround me and pull me upright. I'm held tightly against a warm body and I know it's him without even opening my eyes. Even in the pouring rain I can smell him.

I just let myself be supported, not bringing my arms up or anything. I don't want to push him away any more than I already have.

I open my eyes and find Kyo watching me, sorrow filling his face. He reaches out and pushes my damp hair back from my face, his fingertips gently caressing my cheek. His eyes tell me volumes and I know he really is sorry for things he's said in the past, that he truly does care for my well-being and that he would have kicked my ass if I hadn't told them where I was.

He lets his hand drop, gently sliding it along Die's back. "Let's get inside."

Die shifts me around and ends up picking me up. As he carries me back through the rain, I realize I actually wasn't that far from his apartment. When we enter the building I'm suddenly aware of just how awkward it is that he's holding me like this. I struggle a little and he holds on tighter.

"Don't... it's fine."

I still my movements and we follow Kyo into the elevator. I relax a little and let my head rest on Die's shoulder as we take the ride up. Die steps out after Kyo and it isn't long before we're standing in Die's living room and he's placing me on his couch. I immediately try to scramble off of it. I'll just get it all wet and icky.

Die's entire body stops me as he pushes me back onto the sofa, covering me completely. I stare up into his eyes, panic rising inside me. He smiles and it all drains away. "Calm down, Rei.... My couch will be fine." He lightly drags his knuckles over my cheek and I blush, turning my face away from his gaze. But he just turns my head back, forcing me to look up at him. "You didn't even give me a chance, you know. You just said what you had to say and then fled."

I stare at him like he's lost his mind. "I gave you plenty of time and I saw how you felt about what I said." My voice is surprisingly steady for how incredibly nervous I'm feeling. "I saw how horrified you were by my confession. Besides, I never meant to say anything. I-"

"You weren't ever going to tell me?" He looks shocked now.

I shake my head. "I'm not stupid! Why would I tell the straightest guy I know - well, besides Kyo - that I've fallen for him?! I just... I don't know! It came out and I couldn't stop it." I'm actually panicking now. I can feel the adrenaline rising inside me and it almost hurts. I reach out and push at his chest.

He doesn't even budge and when I pull my hands away, there are two bloody handprints on his shirt. I stare at them in complete horror. Die glances down and then moves just enough to grab one of my wrists. He inspects my hand for a moment and then glances over the back of the couch. "Kyo... can you get my first aid kit?"

I can hear movement and I realize I'd almost forgotten he was even here. I wonder briefly where Kaoru is, but dismiss it just as quickly. Kyo comes into my field of vision and settles down beside the couch, taking the hand Die isn't holding in his own and beginning to clean it. I hiss at the sting of the antiseptic he's using.

Die mirrors Kyo's actions on my other hand. Both of them are equally as gentle and I appreciate it just as much as I hate it. I don't deserve gentle after saying what I did. They both apply antibiotic ointment and then carefully wrap up my hands with gauze.

Kyo settles back, but he doesn't let go of my hand, just holding it so gently in his own.

Die places my hand against his heart and then leans down close to my ear. "Didn't you ever think that maybe you had to say it for a reason? That maybe that reason is that I feel the same way in return?"

My breath catches in my throat and I feel dizzy. His lips press lightly against my own for a moment and then he pulls back to look into my eyes. I stare up at him in disbelief and all he does is smile down at me.

"See... shocking, isn't it?"

I nod dumbly and he moves off me, pulling me upright and then into his arms once more. Kyo lets my hand slip from his and I glance back at him. He's watching me carefully, his gaze more penetrating than it ever has been before, and I start to realize all the things I've overlooked in the past. They all care so much about me. Even if Die didn't return my feelings, it would have been okay. Not one of them would have ever abandoned me over it.

Someone clears their throat and I turn back, finding Kaoru smiling at me from where he's resting his arms on the back of the couch. "So the drowned rats have returned."

I can't help but smile in return and I hear Kyo chuckle from the floor. Die flashes one of his blinding smiles and I let myself melt into him.

He laughs softly. "I guess I know how to make you mine. Just smile."

I hide my face in his shirt and he holds me tighter as his lips brush against my ear.

Conversation continues around me and I feel more at home than I ever have in my own house. My home is right here, in Die's arms, surrounded by friends. I smile and my heart soars.

**The End**  



End file.
